october 2018 + elle event
It's been a while since I've seen her and, surprisingly, weeks since I've thought about that night. Not that great of an accomplishment considering it happened over a year ago, but hey, at least that is better than before. And I knew she would be there tonight, I thought it would be fine and it was... until it wasn't. When she and her fiance broke up, it was all over the news but Holland had just moved in and I was kind of happy. Am kind of happy. And then she went up there to accept her award and in doing so, she confirmed her engagement to someone else. I almost embarrassed myself by getting up and leaving, but it was one moment in a night full of drinking and I can't fault her because we both agreed to forget about it. I have zero right to be upset, yet here I am, wondering if she thought about me before she found him. Whatever, it doesn't matter.
december 2018 + napa
I should feel like the scum of the earth right now, but I don't. All I feel is her hair in between my fingers, her breath on my skin, her hands all over body. When I'm around her, it's like small electric shocks coursing through my veins and they all just fucking exploded tonight. I've never felt this with anyone else and I don't think it's lust or the secrecy that's making it exciting as some have suggested. It's real, I can feel it with my whole heart. As bad as it sounds, I don't give a shit that it makes us adulterers either and I don't give a shit if it makes me one of those women. I don't want to settle for just taking the time I can get with her, but I would also wait as long as she needs me to for just a chance to actually be with her. Jesus, am I an idiot or what? At least I'm an idiot with a smile, in a beautiful place with someone that I think I'm in love with.
JUNE 2019 + fight night
We are supposed to move in together and I fucked it up. Bad. I can't remember how it started, but after days of arguing, the words just came out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them though I desperately wanted to before I even finished the sentence. The look on her face when I said it is something that I don't think I will ever forget. I hurt her, the single best part of my life and I don't know if I will ever not hate myself for it. The only explanation I can offer is that I could feel that she was at her breaking point with me and I thought it would hurt less if I did it before she could. It doesn't hurt less, for the record. I took it back and she didn't leave, which is honestly more than I probably deserve right now. All I can do is hope that she let's me spend the rest of our lives making it up to her. I have to make it up to her.
NOVEMBER 2019 + the day after
Today I woke up with a wife. A wife. Everyone said that things would change when we got married, but to be completely honest, it still feels exactly the same. It feels, I feel... complete. It's entirely possible that I woke up feeling the same because we've been married for less than 24 hours, but I suspect it's actually because I just married the right one for me. And let me tell you, our night was perfect just like her. Seeing her turn that corner in her dress was like seeing her for the first time all over again, I could have passed out. I swear, I couldn't breathe until she stood across from me and held my hand. Everything always feels peaceful when we're touching. Anyway, I have two favorite parts of the night. The first, and most obvious, was hearing her promise herself to me. I didn't expect to get so emotional, though I should have seen it coming considering what a gigantic crybaby I am. The second, was after everything was done and the night was winding down. I was at the bar with her mom, she was on the dance floor, swaying back and forth with her dad and we just watched them in silence with smiles on our faces. When the song ended, she grabbed my hand, squeezed it, and called me daughter on her way to collect her husband for a dance of their own. I feel like I'm part of something great and I will never understand how I got this lucky but I'm sure fucking glad that I did and I'm so incredibly, insanely happy.
NOVEMBER 2019 + birthday morning
Asia and I got up early and snuck downstairs because today is the day we've been waiting for since... well, since the beginning of the year. Unfortunately, our plans for a birthday trip to Montana got postponed, like everything else in the world. The life we've been living for the past two weeks could probably be better, but to be honest, spending every minute of every day with someone is kind of a dream when you're married to the greatest girl. Still, I wish we could have done it up big for her day, even though she says it's not necessary. It is. She's made all of my days special, especially my birthdays and I just want her to really enjoy this one after all of the hard decisions she's had to make. Anyway, my furry helper and I are about to set up the biggest sheet fort we can manage. I probably bought hundreds of sets online because our goal is the whole downstairs. It'll be called Fort Stefani, of course. Then Asia wants to make her mom breakfast in bed and it's so sweet, I can't say no to her.