11.16.19

i knew i liked you "as a friend" when we were sitting in your trailer, sharing secrets in each other's clothes. i knew i loved you as more when we were in a hidden house in napa, trying our best to behave. i knew i loved you as a wife when we were going through our toughest time and i almost crumbled, but you held us together with incredible strength. and today, as i'm getting ready to watch you walk down the aisle and no doubt be the most beautiful bride this world has ever fucking seen, i promise you i am going to love you forever. i promise you that i'm going to make you feel it every single day and that you'll never doubt whether it's still there or not. i promise you that no one else will ever make my heart beat the way you do and no one will ever get the chance to. i promise that i'll make you mad and i'll push your buttons, but i'll always apologize and work to make things right. and i promise that i will love you when you do the same. aries, am i right? i promise you a lifetime of adventures, thot thoughts, asking to see your angel wings, cheek squeezes, trouble, threats of ashings, and of course, loops. slaps tummy. i promise you my whole life, because there is nothing i would rather do with it than spend it next to you. i love you so much, baby. in the words of that one single michael buble song i like, you're my everything. i can't wait to be your wife. fucking finally!! i would have done it the day i met you. now let's do this shit.

always,
sarah

"What are you smiling about?" The older woman asked curiously, looking down over her glasses at Sarah as she entered the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. It was a valid question considering she walked in with a grin that spread from one ear to the other as if she was doing her best Jack Nicholson impression, but there was not a chance in hell she was going to give her an honest answer. She couldn't if she didn't want to cause a screaming match, which was something they had already mastered in their new relationship. Oh boy, were they good at fighting and on any other night, she would have gladly participated but on this particular night, she didn't want anything to ruin what she was feeling, as inappropriate as it was. "Well?" Holland prodded again, rightfully suspicious of her girlfriend's silence. "Sarah??" She waited a beat before she continued on with her interrogation. "You never come home from work that happy..."

And now she was annoyed. "What are you trying to say? It was just a good day, okay? I don't know what fuckin' issue is here." Sarah stood to face her and ripped the comforter off of her side of the bed, maybe a little too dramatically. Here we go..., she thought, but to her surprise, Holland crawled across the bed and took her face into her crusty old hands. "Hey, I'm sorry. I'm glad you had a good day," She said gently and repeatedly pressed her lips to Sarah's, each kiss longer than the last. For some reason, it didn't feel quite the same as it usually did, but she let it go on. It was only when her lips moved down her neck and her hands reached for the button on her jeans that she took a step back, unable to stand it any longer. "Stop it. I'm going to bed." Without another word, she avoided all eye contact until her spot was cleared and she curled up under the covers with her back turned to her girlfriend. In all honesty, she should have felt like shit, but she could only smile. All she could think about was Stefani. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Sarah closed the door to her room and made an attempt to lock it behind her, but when she reached down there was no lock to be found. "Fuck!" This time she said it out loud as she slammed her back into the door and brought her hands up to rub over her face. There were so many thoughts running through her head at that point that she was sure it would end up exploding. How did she end up in the middle of wine country in an airbnb? With someone else's fiance? Why did she have zero self control around this girl? Why was that kiss so fucking great? Why did she want to go back for more than that? How was she that beautiful? Why did she make her legs always feel like they were seconds from giving out? What was she doing right now? What was she thinking?? Did she hate her for going to her room? Why is it that she was so upset over not being able to touch her the way she wanted to instead of her recent breakup with her long term girlfriend? Ugh. As soon as she was sure Stefani wouldn't follow her back to her room, she flopped down on the bed and called the one person she knew wouldn't judge her... even if she did deserve it just a little bit.

Amanda was patient and listened to her for what felt like hours while she spewed question after question. Why was she such an idiot? How was she in this position again? The same one she found herself in years before when the only thing that she could think about was Stefani. Why did it feel so fucking intense this time? Was she just signing herself up to get her heart broken? Did she even care? What about Christian? Was there anything she could even do about him? "Sarah, just stop. Take a deep breath." She did as she was told by the voice on the other end of the phone and took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly. "I'm going to ask you some questions, answer them honestly and as quick as you can. Would you regret it if you left Napa right now?" She nodded her head, as if her friend would magically be able to see her. "Yes." Her hand went back up to cover her face. This was bad. "Why?" Silence. "Bird. Why?" Sarah sat up on the bed and bit her bottom lip, too scared to tell the truth and quite frankly too scared to admit it to herself. It took a minute, maybe longer before she spoke again.

"I think I'm in love with her." Fuck.

Arguments in relationships were something Sarah was used to. With more than one of her exes, they happened more often then they didn't and to be completely honest, she kind of liked them. She always felt that if there were constant fireworks, they could never be bored, which was the thing she was truly scared of. But with Stefani? It was different. Now more than ever, she was petrified that her girlfriend would eventually tire of her, but she never felt the need to make their relationship interesting by starting fights. It was actually her least favorite thing to do now as it only ever resulted in both of them feeling terrible. However, they were trying to work their way through one hell of a sticky situation and fighting was simply unavoidable. Tonight wasn't their first fight and it sure as hell wouldn't be their last. They'd spent the last few hours going back and forth about yet another shitty thing one of their exes did to get back at them. And although they made things as right as they could before bed, something Stefani said to her kept repeating over and over again in her head.

I'm scared that you're not strong enough.

Sarah slipped into bed next to her sleeping girlfriend and stared up at the ceiling in the dark, only able to think about that one sentence. She wasn't mad about it at all, but man did it fuck her up. The way she loved Stefani was overwhelming in every sense of the word. It felt as if it filled her up from head to toe and seeped out of every pore on her body. It was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. She turned on her side to look at the other woman sleeping peacefully. Like a fucking angel. Like a painting that belonged in the goddamn MoMa. Like a beautiful human that Sarah would lay her life on the line for. She reached over to lightly push a piece of blonde hair from the other woman's face, causing Stef to shift around until she found a comfortable spot again and when she did, she smiled in her sleep. In that moment, a sense of calm washed over Sarah and she just knew. This was it for her, this was what she wanted and she wanted it forever. She leaned over and softly kissed her forehead before closing her eyes. Now, the only thing in her head as she drifted off to sleep was I'm going to marry this girl.